Along the same lines....

There must be something in the air, because Ashley posted today about taking actions towards moving on and how she and a friend had just deleted the "ex-files" from their emails. I was going to comment but instead wrote her privately about my own "moooooooving on" that took place in the last few days because it seemed too personal.

And yet I'm going to blog about it. Maybe because I figure anyone who's reading this already knows the backstory; or I assume no one is reading this.

I'd cried "Wolf!" already two or three times, claiming I was "done" with the situation, only to look back over my shoulder a few days later. I can't describe it, but this time was - and is - different. The first few weeks were a fairytale with him and that was what kept me hanging on so log - the memory and the hope that the fairytale might still come true. The problem was that I was living in a past that no longer existed, betting on a future that wasn't certain. I knew he loved me and I knew he was miserable and I knew a future together was a possibility - but how long can memories satisfy you when they grow more and more distant? And how can you count on a future that becomes less and less plausible the more you're pushed away?

To be fair, it was me who clung on and so in that sense, it was my fault. But he was never far away, with a foot or an elbow in the door... just in case.

As heartbreaking as it is to be living with present-day pain because of past-and-possible-future joy, it's not impossible. But it can become so when you're confronted with the notion that you could be happy presently - with a different future, in spite of the same past. (...did you get all that?)

At some point, ya' gotta move on - but it's impossible to forget. And nothing is going to make me stop caring; but this time... I can't explain it, it's just different. I am very different.

Then again, it could just be that I finally realized how much I can handle and what I'm capable of. It took a little bit of bitch-slapping and "tough love" but I finally woke up one morning knowing I was better at this "life" thing than previously suspected.

I'm kind of, sorta, ridiculously content.