What am I afraid of?

Fear is tricky.

I've spent most of my life afraid of something, but never the norm. As a consequence, I've avoided and even misunderstood some of the more common fears that seem to plague everyone else. Being in front of people doesn't bother me; the dark never kept me up at night; spiders are gross but not enough to keep from killing them.

No, my only fear when it comes down to it is losing control. I hold on to my life so tightly that I believe I can maneuver and twist the outcome if I only grasp hard enough. I think that worry and panic are adequate predictors and if I don't do them things couldn't possibly go well.

Well life, God and the world do not play by my rules. They won't make decisions based on how big my panic attack was. In the grand scheme of things, my fear doesn't matter at all. The sad and scary truth is that I don't have control and I need to learn to face that.

What's infinitely more important, though, is believing that I know Who does have control and trusting that I won't be let down. This isn't some purposeless ride that I'm just waiting to come to an end; no matter what, there's a direction. I just have to have faith.

I think I'm just starting to understand what that means.