Things change

Last night I called my five New Girls and this evening will be the first small group meeting of the semester. My Girls (save one) all graduated in May and are now up at NAU for college. I've spent almost all my Wednesdays for the past four years with them, starting in eighth grade as the assistant coach, right up into their senior year as small group leader. And now, I'm starting over with five tenth graders.


Grad party, May 2008

Summer was a growth spurt for my soul and I feel like a different person now that it's coming to a close. Everything is so different from how I thought it would be, even just a few months ago. There were some big plans in the works that failed spectacularly and, because of circumstances beyond human control, I was left to pick up the pieces all by myself. I made the choice not to be bitter and in all my life I've never regretted anything or any decisions made. Even though this "new year" is starting much like the previous few, it feels like I'm jumping into the unknown.

After this semester I will (supposedly) have my associates - finally. I'd always assumed I'd go further and, tentatively, that's still what I'm shooting for. But the past three months have forced me to look at what's important to me and face things I've been denying myself. So many assumptions are made, everyday, and even though I know I don't have a firm grasp on life as I know it, I still think I can will things into reality. And I can't. Maybe for the first time I'll be able to say "Your will be done, Lord" and mean it.

I'm budgeting my money (or I'm starting to at least) for the first time in my life. I tried dating again and, as a consequence, I remembered what an absolutely horrible date I can be. I realized that I miss taking math. I started writing that book that's been festering in the nooks and crannies of my brain for the past six years. I'm reading more than I have in years. I'm wearing less makeup. I'm doing more with my hair. I'm drinking more water.

There is less time spent blogging for the sake of blogging talking for the sake of talking. I've found myself pausing in the middle of sentences/narratives in order to make sure what I have to say is really worth saying. I'm still not sure it actually is but I guess even stopping to consider is progress.


21st birthday (with Jessica Adamo(Vega), August 2003)


At 26 (August, 2008)

Five years ago I was a Biblical Studies major, in my first serious, long-term relationship and I don't recall ever thinking about the future much at all, other than to question whether Steve would be barbequeing Sunday or not.

At twenty-six, I've changed my major twice (settling, for the mo, on Linguistics), fallen in love three times and the future is constantly on my mind, everything from how I'll ever bulk up my savings account, to whether or not I'll be single five years from now and where I could picture living out my days.

There's a song by Monday Morning called "Wonder of It All" and these lines in particular seem to sum up where I'm sitting:

"all the future seems unclear
never moving never near
but You hold me as I scream
wake me from my wicked dream
something out there waits for me
hand in hand we wait for it

...and the wonder of it all is I'm still standing
and the wonder of it all is we're still standing
never planned it
and I wonder where I'll be next year"