I am, for the most part, incapable of holding a grudge. A friend recently told me it was a Godly quality to have and that he was impressed.
"Don't be," I told him, "it's not by choice."
When I've been purposely abused and taken advantage of, when someone decided to do something hurtful knowing I'd forgive them later, those are the times when I'd give almost anything to be able to say, "Go fuck yourself," and mean it.
"It's weakness," the world says. Even in the church it's hard to find someone who'll be supportive of the decision to reopen your heart to someone who's hurt you.
And should they? For as much as I strive toward unconditional love it's still hard for me to encourage it in others. And, more often than not, I think it the "wrong" choice when I see someone else "turn the other cheek". Most of the time it's assumed that the only reason is some defect in the forgiving party - he/she isn't strong enough to let go or they're afraid to break out of a comfortable pattern. Forgiveness, acceptance, they're all things that we're supposed to pursue but how am I supposed to urge others to put their hearts on the line when the odds are 100 to 1 that they'll wind up hurt? And after they're burned as a consequence, how can I find fault if they say, "To hell with it," and turn their back?
Right now, without any pain or anger or fresh wounds, I'm not bothered by my tendency to be seen as a doormat. It's not something I've worked at or chose, but I know that this weird malfunction I've been given that allows me to wipe the past clean is necessary for any hope or optimism to survive in me. I can accept it without much pride because I know it's caused me much grief in the past and is only likely to do so in the future. I can't see it as something to brag about.
It's sad then to realize that I take any grace I've been shown by God for granted on a regular basis. I know how much it hurts me even now to think about it and I know how much I've cursed it. How much more grateful and humbled should I be knowing what I know about His acceptance and forgiveness?
No, this isn't anything to be proud of.
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1 comments:
There's a difference between turning the other cheek and being a doormat, just like there's a difference between forgiveness and letting people hurt you over and over.
Forgiveness is saying, "This person did something that hurt me and they have reasons why. I won't continue to foster hurt in myself because of their choice." Being a doormat is saying, "This person hurt me. I'm not going to do anything about it, even though I may be able to put an end to it."
I've been a doormat before and it's awful. I'm choosing to address that quality in myself and it's pretty cool to be able to shape my life by setting limits on what I'll allow. Anyone who truly cares will respect your limits and you'll both be better off.
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