Conversations with my Creator

"Dear Heavenly blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda... seriously, where You at? We need to talk."

"I'm here but I gotta make it quick. Got an election in two and a half weeks and half the country is gonna be super pissed when the dust settles. No one thought My Florida rig was funny back in '04 so I gotta be all "srs bsns" this time around."

"That was You?"

"Who else? The GOP?"

"Alright, whatever. Here's the deal - I want out."

"What? Why?"

"Because! I was happy! I kinda had everything I'd ever wanted, You know? It was all the stuff I'd prayed for. Remember how I used to be all skeptical and doubtful that it was even possible and I asked You to, like, prove me wrong? I said that my limited mind had trouble grasping it but I would trust You even though it seemed unlikely and I didn't see how You could blah blah blah. Remember?"

"Yeah, that was big of you."

"You know, if You were anyone else I would tell You to shut it, but You're God so I'll let the sarcasm slide. Anyway, back to me. I just want to say 'Thanks, but no thanks' and go back to the way things were. You know, before they sucked."

"Uh, no."

"Oh, come ON! Please?"

"Look, I know that you were pretty damn content (and, btw, I'm still waiting on a apology for doubting the powers of your Maker) but, as unbelievable as it sounds, I want to give you more."

"No, seriously I was satisfied. I don't want more!"

"Oh, quit whining. You'll thank Me later."

"But what about NOW? When I'm still confused and lost and really unhappy? Like, really, really unhappy."

"OMG, I die - for YOU - and despite all the crap you've given me and all the times you've blown me off for a boy or Macy's or Mythbusters, I still want to bless you beyond your wildest dreams and you're saying no... why?"

"Because it HURTS and it's HARD!"

"I want you to be happier than you ever thought possible and all I'm asking you to do is withstand a little shit and some pain. It's not like I'm nailing you to a cross or anything. I remember how much that sucked."

"MAN! Can't we have an argument without You bringing that up?"

"No because you wouldn't even be able to argue with Me if it weren't for that. All the pain is going to do more for you than this 'happiness' you cling to ever could. So sit down, STFU and let Me do My job since I've only been doing it since, oh, THE DAWN OF EFFING CREATION and you've been doing it since, uh, never."

".... Damnit! You know, I would have a point if You didn't always play the crucifixion card."

"Well, come back when you've died for the sins of humanity."

"Been done. It's less meaningful now... And I have a date on Saturday."

"You do not."

"I hate you."

"You do not."

"Alright, I don't. I love You."

"I know."

"OK, so are we cool? I don't want to hold You up."

"Yeah, between McCain, Obama and Madonna's divorce, I'm pretty slammed."

"Wait, Madonna? That's what You're worried about? Didn't, like, a Christian aid worker just get gunned down in Kabul?"

"Yeah. So?"

"Well, um, shouldn't You be, I dunno... like, seeking vengeance or rebuking or smiting someone for picking off one Your people?"

"... Have you been sleeping through sermons the past ten years? What kind of God do you think I Am? Seriously. No, seriously."

"Hey, someone died! Shouldn't You be a little sadder?"

"Why? She's with Me now, which, if you recall, was basically the point. Trust me, she's happier here. You would not believe the bitching Lazarus did when I made him go back."

"That was pretty badass though, I gotta say."

"I know."

"...OK, so I'll let You go deal with Madge or whatev."

"Cool. Peace."








(....I wonder if God talks to everyone in netspeak?)







(Not intended to offend. If you don't have a sense of humor then wth are you doing reading MY blog?)