This is actually taken from an email I wrote to my friend Foxy McHotPants in regards to her adventure into the series, Twilight. She enjoyed the movie and because she is someone I respect and admire (and can also trust that should we disagree, it's nothing that a caged, hot-oil wrestling match wouldn't resolve), I felt it my responsibility to sit her down and, um, have a chat.
DISCLAIMER AND WARNING: IF YOU'RE A TWILIGHT FAN (and I know several well-meaning and wonderful people in my life are), DO NOT READ FURTHER. I'M BEGGING YOU. TURN BACK NOW. I DON'T WANT A DOZEN DEATH THREATS BECAUSE I GOT DRUNK AND SHUCKED OFF ALL MY TACT AND COMPASSION IN A FIT OF TYPING AND LULZ DISAGREE WITH YOU.
LAST CHANCE.
First off, I'm going to go on record as saying that I DID read most of the series and kinda-sorta enjoyed it. I couldn't stomach most of Breaking Dawn (Breaking Down) after reading a couple synopses. I think Eclipse was a very natural ending and the story should have left off there.
Now, I have three major problems:
One: the story telling. Smeyer has FAR too many loose ends that, not only had SO MUCH POTENTIAL for, you know, giving the story an actual PLOT (other than "OMG, WHY DOES EDWARD LOVE ME? HE IS PERFECT. I AM A LOWLY, PLAIN MORTAL (even though everyone is fascinated and attracted to me) WITH NOTHING TO OFFER. I MUST BE WITH HIM 4 EV-AAAAAAAAAH! BITE ME NOW SO WE CAN SEX.") but they were abandoned like stray kittens. Such as: DO vampires have souls? Edward's so. worried. about vamping Bella because he thinks he's damned and he doesn't want to subject his "twu lub" to that same, cruel fate. So... he just suddenly becomes OK with the idea even though his question is never answered? The first book BARELY has a plot until 3/4 of the way through (and no, I don't consider dry-humping and heavy breathing while talking about who loves who more a "plot"). There is no central story other than "Bella and Edward fall in love" and because that happens before a third of the first book is over, SMeyer creates unrealistic drama that goes on around them but it doesn't REALLY shake their OMG! TRU LUV, making it nothing more than background noise. Not to mention SMeyer went on record after New Moon came out saying that there was no question - Bella would wind up with Edward. *forehead smack* OK, so there's ANOTHER potentially riveting storyline getting the ax prematurely. At least JK Rowling had the good sense to TEASE everyone about Harry/Hermione/Ron and not just spoil the fun, even though the pairing-off was only a minor sub-plot.
Two: the characters. Jacob is the ONLY three-dimensional character in this mind-numbingly idiotic world. In the words of a far-wittier patron of Fandom Wank than myself, "it's almost like he walked in from a BETTER series." Bella, our heroine, makes me want to put a gun barrel in my mouth and not even in a good, angsty way! In a "...well, there's no way I'm ever going to meet a more thoroughly boring and undeserving person and the fact that she's being lauded as a role-model is proof enough for me that life is no longer worth living" way. She's apparently "plain" but half the guys in school trip all over themselves just to talk to her and, OF COURSE she can't stand this and finds them all utterly annoying and unworthy of her precious, plain and unextraordinary time (way to make friends in a new school, Bella). She meets Edward and within a year CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM, OMG. And when he leaves her in the second book? SHE SPENDS MONTHS WALLOWING BECAUSE HER LIFE IS WORTHLESS. Because we women-folk 'tain't nuthin without our man. (SMeyer justifies this by saying "WELL, IT WAS TRUE LOVE! SO THE LOSS OF SELF-WORTH IS OK!" Exactly how we should be building up the unrealistic expectations of MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of impressionable, hormone-ridden teenage girls who ALREADY dramatize their lives to the point of self-harm. Mark my words, there will be an increase in break-up-fueled suicide-by-cliff-diving-attempts in the coming years. THANK YOU, BELLA, FOR MAKING ME WANT TO EAT MY OWN VAGINA.) And yet that's nothing compared to the emotional manipulation she uses in Eclipse in order to keep Edward from risking his frightfully (and yet, still somehow, utterly boring) invincible life. SMeyer apparently didn't think women have been stereotyped enough by male authors as whiny, coercive and manipulative, so she rectified that and made her female character whiny, coercive, manipulative, self-absorbed AND yet, somehow, perfect. Go SMeyer!
More glaringly (and I can't stress this enough, considering he's the effing LOVE INTEREST) Edward. Is. Boring. Perfection is BORING. He drives perfectly. He schools perfectly. He looks perfectly. He plays the piano perfectly. His family is perfect. His house is perfect. "A tribute to some forgotten pagan god of beauty". BRB, going to spend the next 50+ years single because I've given the male population an impossible standard it can never manage to match...
Three: WHY THE HELL DOES EDWARD LOVE BELLA? Like, AT ALL? He becomes infatuated with her because he can't read her mind. OK. That makes her interesting. Her blood is his "brand" of heroin... Um, OK. That makes her... delicious? IT IS ALL LUST. She wants him because he's "perfect," he wants her because, I dunno, he gets the shakes when he goes through withdrawals? None of this does anything to quell Bella's crotch-punchingly annoying inferiority complex when it comes to their relationship. And how does SMeyer resolve this low self-esteem? Does Bella suddenly realize, after huge trials and some self-realization and/or personal epiphanies, that she IS an amazing individual with a lot to offer someone - even a perfect/god-like/statuesque vampire like Edward? NO. She goes through a magical transformation that changes her looks and her skills so that she, too, is perfect (Also, she is BORING. "Oh, she's HUNTING in a ripped cocktail dress and stilletos! SHE'S SO INTERESTING AND COOL." Except, again, I reiterate - PERFECTION IS BORING.)
ALSO. Imprinting on babies. EW. Justify it all you want by saying it's like siblings... "He's her care-taker! Like a big brother!" That just makes it even CREEPIER when she gets the boobs and pubes and suddenly he wants to hump her leg. IT WILL NEVER STOP BEING GROSS.
ALSO ALSO: Bella and Jacob had way better chemistry. Bella also somehow managed to have a personality and I wanted to punch my own crotch just a little less when she was with him in New Moon.
ALSO^3: Nice to leave us hanging on Alice's backstory.
...and I'm done.
Don't hate.
Twilight (or, 'The Easiest Way to Lose My Respect as a Woman')
Do you want to WIN AT YELLING?
I should post something that amounts to more than "LULZ, INTERNET" but, um... here's a series of youtube commercials that will make you NEED NEW PANTS.
Man, I heart you, internets.
Occasionally 4chan has some good stuff
Somewhere in West Philadelphia you will find an old basketball court with a single ball lying in the center. Should you pick it up and begin to shoot hoops, a small band of hooligans will approach and challenge you to a fight which you must accept.
After the fight you must go home and relay the events to your mother. She will inform you that there are an aunt and uncle living in one of the districts of Los Angeles, and out of fear, she will send you to live there for an indefinite period of time.
With your bags packed, go to the street corner and signal a cab via whistle. The cab that will pull up will bear the word FRESH on the license plate, and upon closer inspection you will find fuzzy novelty dice hanging in the mirror. Although you will suddenly realize that cabs like these are extremely hard to find, you will not bear any thought to it. You will then point the chauffuer in the general vicinity of Bel Air, California. You will stop in front of a mansion somewhere between 7 and 8o’clock. Retrieve your baggage and bid the odeous driver adieu. Take in your new physical domain, walk up to the door and then knock on the door three times.
If you follow these instructions, your life will get flip-turned upside-down.
Excuse me, your purse is DELICIOUS
My new purse is the exact color of Tostito's Queso dip and just as nutritious.
I can't make it; the Terror Alert has reached "Orange"
When canceling reservations on the Resort's new OS, it's required that you enter a reason. And the brilliant creators of Opera have given us some handy "preloaded" choices that, I assume, they thought were common. Most make sense - "family emergency" or "weather" are bold-faced lies flimsy excuses things we hear on a daily basis.
...but "terrorism"? Seriously?
Am I an awful person for hoping that I get to take that cancellation when it inevitable comes in (because I know it will)?
Conversations with my Creator
"Dear Heavenly blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda... seriously, where You at? We need to talk."
"I'm here but I gotta make it quick. Got an election in two and a half weeks and half the country is gonna be super pissed when the dust settles. No one thought My Florida rig was funny back in '04 so I gotta be all "srs bsns" this time around."
"That was You?"
"Who else? The GOP?"
"Alright, whatever. Here's the deal - I want out."
"What? Why?"
"Because! I was happy! I kinda had everything I'd ever wanted, You know? It was all the stuff I'd prayed for. Remember how I used to be all skeptical and doubtful that it was even possible and I asked You to, like, prove me wrong? I said that my limited mind had trouble grasping it but I would trust You even though it seemed unlikely and I didn't see how You could blah blah blah. Remember?"
"Yeah, that was big of you."
"You know, if You were anyone else I would tell You to shut it, but You're God so I'll let the sarcasm slide. Anyway, back to me. I just want to say 'Thanks, but no thanks' and go back to the way things were. You know, before they sucked."
"Uh, no."
"Oh, come ON! Please?"
"Look, I know that you were pretty damn content (and, btw, I'm still waiting on a apology for doubting the powers of your Maker) but, as unbelievable as it sounds, I want to give you more."
"No, seriously I was satisfied. I don't want more!"
"Oh, quit whining. You'll thank Me later."
"But what about NOW? When I'm still confused and lost and really unhappy? Like, really, really unhappy."
"OMG, I die - for YOU - and despite all the crap you've given me and all the times you've blown me off for a boy or Macy's or Mythbusters, I still want to bless you beyond your wildest dreams and you're saying no... why?"
"Because it HURTS and it's HARD!"
"I want you to be happier than you ever thought possible and all I'm asking you to do is withstand a little shit and some pain. It's not like I'm nailing you to a cross or anything. I remember how much that sucked."
"MAN! Can't we have an argument without You bringing that up?"
"No because you wouldn't even be able to argue with Me if it weren't for that. All the pain is going to do more for you than this 'happiness' you cling to ever could. So sit down, STFU and let Me do My job since I've only been doing it since, oh, THE DAWN OF EFFING CREATION and you've been doing it since, uh, never."
".... Damnit! You know, I would have a point if You didn't always play the crucifixion card."
"Well, come back when you've died for the sins of humanity."
"Been done. It's less meaningful now... And I have a date on Saturday."
"You do not."
"I hate you."
"You do not."
"Alright, I don't. I love You."
"I know."
"OK, so are we cool? I don't want to hold You up."
"Yeah, between McCain, Obama and Madonna's divorce, I'm pretty slammed."
"Wait, Madonna? That's what You're worried about? Didn't, like, a Christian aid worker just get gunned down in Kabul?"
"Yeah. So?"
"Well, um, shouldn't You be, I dunno... like, seeking vengeance or rebuking or smiting someone for picking off one Your people?"
"... Have you been sleeping through sermons the past ten years? What kind of God do you think I Am? Seriously. No, seriously."
"Hey, someone died! Shouldn't You be a little sadder?"
"Why? She's with Me now, which, if you recall, was basically the point. Trust me, she's happier here. You would not believe the bitching Lazarus did when I made him go back."
"That was pretty badass though, I gotta say."
"I know."
"...OK, so I'll let You go deal with Madge or whatev."
"Cool. Peace."
(....I wonder if God talks to everyone in netspeak?)
(Not intended to offend. If you don't have a sense of humor then wth are you doing reading MY blog?)
I HATE POLITICS (except not really)
I make it a policy not to discuss politics with democrats republicans the green party whores your mom (dur hur!) anyone, especially over the internet. Nothing says "ignorance" (well, except the word itself) like trying to boil all your foundational beliefs into a single entry/blog/website that a bazillion and 14 internet patrons will all interpret incorrectly. So rather than incur the wrath of self-important right wing-lesbian-bipolar-transexual-conservative-recycling-senior citizens on medicade, I choose to keep my mouf shut.
However.
My friend Jen does what I consider the best effing commentary each election year and she's already up to her eyeballs in bitchy snark.
"You know what this debate needed? Literal blood on the floor".
I heart this line in particular:
"My tax proposal involves locking all the CEOs in America into a cage and making them fight to the death! Many will enter...one will emerge as my Treasury Secretary!"
There. Politicking done now. Flipping switch back to "Switzerland".
I LOLed
In regards to yogurt ads:
omg those commercials KILL ME!
especially the one where that one woman asks her friend if she wants to swim and she says "no, i'm a little irregular today"
OMG WTF! you're so irregular you're afraid you might sh*t in the pool? and who says that to someone?!
"would you like to go for a bike ride?"
"no, i think i need to drop a deuce soon."
Oh, well, it's in Europe. That explains everything.
I've often thought the censors were far too conservative in their decisions to ban certain commercials for being too violent or sexually explicit. So when I saw the headline on Digg "Orangina advert 'too sexy'," I figured it would be the same case.
I was wrong.
Who greenlit that?!
The CGI work is pretty amazing, I'll give them that but... what?
No, seriously... WHAT.
You're laughing, don't deny it
Matt: Yo yo yo yo yo yo
Me: Whaaaaaaaat's up?
Matt: shootin some bball outside of the school.
Me: Let me guess - a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble?
Matt: Yeah, we got in a fight. :(
Me: I'm sure your mom was mad.
Matt: she made me move with my aunt and uncle in bel-air. :(
Me: You take a cab?
Matt: yeah, it was crazy. it had dice hanging from the rear-view mirror.
We watched too much TV.
I'm twelve
There's a guest staying at the resort named (and I'm not joking here) "Mike Cox".
This has provided endless amusement for Work Drew and I and I don't anticipate it ending until Mike checks out... on June 30th.
"Have you been by the pool today? Mike Cox is looking a little red, someone should get some sunscreen for Mike Cox..."
"Man, Mike Cox is BIG!"
"Mike Cox needs a suite - he doesn't fit in a standard!"
(I'm truly sorry for all the people I'm sure to have offended but this really is how my mind works...)
Oh, the things we do
I've been having a bad day.
When one of us is going through something rough, The Boy and I always give the offer of "What can I do?" followed by "No, seriously - be selfish for once" and then usually "Just let me do something, damnit!" We're getting better, though, at asking for things that we know the other person can easily and willingly give.
So I told him I wanted pictures.
Of his pedicure.
Because while I'm at work, he's getting his first pedicure. I'd be jealous if this wasn't how the texting went:
"It hurts!"
Me: "But think of how pretty you'll look!"
"Holy crap! it kills!"
Me: "Beauty is pain, dearling."
"Hahaha... i love you, but this sucks"
I haven't heard anything after that. I think he probably passed out.
