Twilight (or, 'The Easiest Way to Lose My Respect as a Woman')

This is actually taken from an email I wrote to my friend Foxy McHotPants in regards to her adventure into the series, Twilight. She enjoyed the movie and because she is someone I respect and admire (and can also trust that should we disagree, it's nothing that a caged, hot-oil wrestling match wouldn't resolve), I felt it my responsibility to sit her down and, um, have a chat.

DISCLAIMER AND WARNING: IF YOU'RE A TWILIGHT FAN (and I know several well-meaning and wonderful people in my life are), DO NOT READ FURTHER. I'M BEGGING YOU. TURN BACK NOW. I DON'T WANT A DOZEN DEATH THREATS BECAUSE I GOT DRUNK AND SHUCKED OFF ALL MY TACT AND COMPASSION IN A FIT OF TYPING AND LULZ DISAGREE WITH YOU.

LAST CHANCE.



First off, I'm going to go on record as saying that I DID read most of the series and kinda-sorta enjoyed it. I couldn't stomach most of Breaking Dawn (Breaking Down) after reading a couple synopses. I think Eclipse was a very natural ending and the story should have left off there.

Now, I have three major problems:
One: the story telling. Smeyer has FAR too many loose ends that, not only had SO MUCH POTENTIAL for, you know, giving the story an actual PLOT (other than "OMG, WHY DOES EDWARD LOVE ME? HE IS PERFECT. I AM A LOWLY, PLAIN MORTAL (even though everyone is fascinated and attracted to me) WITH NOTHING TO OFFER. I MUST BE WITH HIM 4 EV-AAAAAAAAAH! BITE ME NOW SO WE CAN SEX.") but they were abandoned like stray kittens. Such as: DO vampires have souls? Edward's so. worried. about vamping Bella because he thinks he's damned and he doesn't want to subject his "twu lub" to that same, cruel fate. So... he just suddenly becomes OK with the idea even though his question is never answered? The first book BARELY has a plot until 3/4 of the way through (and no, I don't consider dry-humping and heavy breathing while talking about who loves who more a "plot"). There is no central story other than "Bella and Edward fall in love" and because that happens before a third of the first book is over, SMeyer creates unrealistic drama that goes on around them but it doesn't REALLY shake their OMG! TRU LUV, making it nothing more than background noise. Not to mention SMeyer went on record after New Moon came out saying that there was no question - Bella would wind up with Edward. *forehead smack* OK, so there's ANOTHER potentially riveting storyline getting the ax prematurely. At least JK Rowling had the good sense to TEASE everyone about Harry/Hermione/Ron and not just spoil the fun, even though the pairing-off was only a minor sub-plot.

Two: the characters. Jacob is the ONLY three-dimensional character in this mind-numbingly idiotic world. In the words of a far-wittier patron of Fandom Wank than myself, "it's almost like he walked in from a BETTER series." Bella, our heroine, makes me want to put a gun barrel in my mouth and not even in a good, angsty way! In a "...well, there's no way I'm ever going to meet a more thoroughly boring and undeserving person and the fact that she's being lauded as a role-model is proof enough for me that life is no longer worth living" way. She's apparently "plain" but half the guys in school trip all over themselves just to talk to her and, OF COURSE she can't stand this and finds them all utterly annoying and unworthy of her precious, plain and unextraordinary time (way to make friends in a new school, Bella). She meets Edward and within a year CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM, OMG. And when he leaves her in the second book? SHE SPENDS MONTHS WALLOWING BECAUSE HER LIFE IS WORTHLESS. Because we women-folk 'tain't nuthin without our man. (SMeyer justifies this by saying "WELL, IT WAS TRUE LOVE! SO THE LOSS OF SELF-WORTH IS OK!" Exactly how we should be building up the unrealistic expectations of MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of impressionable, hormone-ridden teenage girls who ALREADY dramatize their lives to the point of self-harm. Mark my words, there will be an increase in break-up-fueled suicide-by-cliff-diving-attempts in the coming years. THANK YOU, BELLA, FOR MAKING ME WANT TO EAT MY OWN VAGINA.) And yet that's nothing compared to the emotional manipulation she uses in Eclipse in order to keep Edward from risking his frightfully (and yet, still somehow, utterly boring) invincible life. SMeyer apparently didn't think women have been stereotyped enough by male authors as whiny, coercive and manipulative, so she rectified that and made her female character whiny, coercive, manipulative, self-absorbed AND yet, somehow, perfect. Go SMeyer!

More glaringly (and I can't stress this enough, considering he's the effing LOVE INTEREST) Edward. Is. Boring. Perfection is BORING. He drives perfectly. He schools perfectly. He looks perfectly. He plays the piano perfectly. His family is perfect. His house is perfect. "A tribute to some forgotten pagan god of beauty". BRB, going to spend the next 50+ years single because I've given the male population an impossible standard it can never manage to match...

Three: WHY THE HELL DOES EDWARD LOVE BELLA? Like, AT ALL? He becomes infatuated with her because he can't read her mind. OK. That makes her interesting. Her blood is his "brand" of heroin... Um, OK. That makes her... delicious? IT IS ALL LUST. She wants him because he's "perfect," he wants her because, I dunno, he gets the shakes when he goes through withdrawals? None of this does anything to quell Bella's crotch-punchingly annoying inferiority complex when it comes to their relationship. And how does SMeyer resolve this low self-esteem? Does Bella suddenly realize, after huge trials and some self-realization and/or personal epiphanies, that she IS an amazing individual with a lot to offer someone - even a perfect/god-like/statuesque vampire like Edward? NO. She goes through a magical transformation that changes her looks and her skills so that she, too, is perfect (Also, she is BORING. "Oh, she's HUNTING in a ripped cocktail dress and stilletos! SHE'S SO INTERESTING AND COOL." Except, again, I reiterate - PERFECTION IS BORING.)

ALSO. Imprinting on babies. EW. Justify it all you want by saying it's like siblings... "He's her care-taker! Like a big brother!" That just makes it even CREEPIER when she gets the boobs and pubes and suddenly he wants to hump her leg. IT WILL NEVER STOP BEING GROSS.

ALSO ALSO: Bella and Jacob had way better chemistry. Bella also somehow managed to have a personality and I wanted to punch my own crotch just a little less when she was with him in New Moon.

ALSO^3: Nice to leave us hanging on Alice's backstory.

...and I'm done.

Don't hate.