This is actually taken from an email I wrote to my friend Foxy McHotPants in regards to her adventure into the series, Twilight. She enjoyed the movie and because she is someone I respect and admire (and can also trust that should we disagree, it's nothing that a caged, hot-oil wrestling match wouldn't resolve), I felt it my responsibility to sit her down and, um, have a chat.
DISCLAIMER AND WARNING: IF YOU'RE A TWILIGHT FAN (and I know several well-meaning and wonderful people in my life are), DO NOT READ FURTHER. I'M BEGGING YOU. TURN BACK NOW. I DON'T WANT A DOZEN DEATH THREATS BECAUSE I GOT DRUNK AND SHUCKED OFF ALL MY TACT AND COMPASSION IN A FIT OF TYPING AND LULZ DISAGREE WITH YOU.
LAST CHANCE.
First off, I'm going to go on record as saying that I DID read most of the series and kinda-sorta enjoyed it. I couldn't stomach most of Breaking Dawn (Breaking Down) after reading a couple synopses. I think Eclipse was a very natural ending and the story should have left off there.
Now, I have three major problems:
One: the story telling. Smeyer has FAR too many loose ends that, not only had SO MUCH POTENTIAL for, you know, giving the story an actual PLOT (other than "OMG, WHY DOES EDWARD LOVE ME? HE IS PERFECT. I AM A LOWLY, PLAIN MORTAL (even though everyone is fascinated and attracted to me) WITH NOTHING TO OFFER. I MUST BE WITH HIM 4 EV-AAAAAAAAAH! BITE ME NOW SO WE CAN SEX.") but they were abandoned like stray kittens. Such as: DO vampires have souls? Edward's so. worried. about vamping Bella because he thinks he's damned and he doesn't want to subject his "twu lub" to that same, cruel fate. So... he just suddenly becomes OK with the idea even though his question is never answered? The first book BARELY has a plot until 3/4 of the way through (and no, I don't consider dry-humping and heavy breathing while talking about who loves who more a "plot"). There is no central story other than "Bella and Edward fall in love" and because that happens before a third of the first book is over, SMeyer creates unrealistic drama that goes on around them but it doesn't REALLY shake their OMG! TRU LUV, making it nothing more than background noise. Not to mention SMeyer went on record after New Moon came out saying that there was no question - Bella would wind up with Edward. *forehead smack* OK, so there's ANOTHER potentially riveting storyline getting the ax prematurely. At least JK Rowling had the good sense to TEASE everyone about Harry/Hermione/Ron and not just spoil the fun, even though the pairing-off was only a minor sub-plot.
Two: the characters. Jacob is the ONLY three-dimensional character in this mind-numbingly idiotic world. In the words of a far-wittier patron of Fandom Wank than myself, "it's almost like he walked in from a BETTER series." Bella, our heroine, makes me want to put a gun barrel in my mouth and not even in a good, angsty way! In a "...well, there's no way I'm ever going to meet a more thoroughly boring and undeserving person and the fact that she's being lauded as a role-model is proof enough for me that life is no longer worth living" way. She's apparently "plain" but half the guys in school trip all over themselves just to talk to her and, OF COURSE she can't stand this and finds them all utterly annoying and unworthy of her precious, plain and unextraordinary time (way to make friends in a new school, Bella). She meets Edward and within a year CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM, OMG. And when he leaves her in the second book? SHE SPENDS MONTHS WALLOWING BECAUSE HER LIFE IS WORTHLESS. Because we women-folk 'tain't nuthin without our man. (SMeyer justifies this by saying "WELL, IT WAS TRUE LOVE! SO THE LOSS OF SELF-WORTH IS OK!" Exactly how we should be building up the unrealistic expectations of MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of impressionable, hormone-ridden teenage girls who ALREADY dramatize their lives to the point of self-harm. Mark my words, there will be an increase in break-up-fueled suicide-by-cliff-diving-attempts in the coming years. THANK YOU, BELLA, FOR MAKING ME WANT TO EAT MY OWN VAGINA.) And yet that's nothing compared to the emotional manipulation she uses in Eclipse in order to keep Edward from risking his frightfully (and yet, still somehow, utterly boring) invincible life. SMeyer apparently didn't think women have been stereotyped enough by male authors as whiny, coercive and manipulative, so she rectified that and made her female character whiny, coercive, manipulative, self-absorbed AND yet, somehow, perfect. Go SMeyer!
More glaringly (and I can't stress this enough, considering he's the effing LOVE INTEREST) Edward. Is. Boring. Perfection is BORING. He drives perfectly. He schools perfectly. He looks perfectly. He plays the piano perfectly. His family is perfect. His house is perfect. "A tribute to some forgotten pagan god of beauty". BRB, going to spend the next 50+ years single because I've given the male population an impossible standard it can never manage to match...
Three: WHY THE HELL DOES EDWARD LOVE BELLA? Like, AT ALL? He becomes infatuated with her because he can't read her mind. OK. That makes her interesting. Her blood is his "brand" of heroin... Um, OK. That makes her... delicious? IT IS ALL LUST. She wants him because he's "perfect," he wants her because, I dunno, he gets the shakes when he goes through withdrawals? None of this does anything to quell Bella's crotch-punchingly annoying inferiority complex when it comes to their relationship. And how does SMeyer resolve this low self-esteem? Does Bella suddenly realize, after huge trials and some self-realization and/or personal epiphanies, that she IS an amazing individual with a lot to offer someone - even a perfect/god-like/statuesque vampire like Edward? NO. She goes through a magical transformation that changes her looks and her skills so that she, too, is perfect (Also, she is BORING. "Oh, she's HUNTING in a ripped cocktail dress and stilletos! SHE'S SO INTERESTING AND COOL." Except, again, I reiterate - PERFECTION IS BORING.)
ALSO. Imprinting on babies. EW. Justify it all you want by saying it's like siblings... "He's her care-taker! Like a big brother!" That just makes it even CREEPIER when she gets the boobs and pubes and suddenly he wants to hump her leg. IT WILL NEVER STOP BEING GROSS.
ALSO ALSO: Bella and Jacob had way better chemistry. Bella also somehow managed to have a personality and I wanted to punch my own crotch just a little less when she was with him in New Moon.
ALSO^3: Nice to leave us hanging on Alice's backstory.
...and I'm done.
Don't hate.
Twilight (or, 'The Easiest Way to Lose My Respect as a Woman')
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS
"I remember one time Beaker and I were hiking on the Appalachian Trail, and he met some friends of his, so I walked into town. It was about a five-mile walk from the campsite down the trail..., down into town. And when I got there I went into a restaurant and I was having a steak, and this guy started talking to me and we had this great conversation. We were having a good time, and he said, "Hey look, it's dark and it's five miles up the road to your campground. Why don't I drive you up there?"
And I said, "Hey, great!"
And so we got in his car, and just as we pulled out from under the last light in that town, the guy said, "You know what, I should probably tell you that I'm gay."
And I said, "Oh! I should probably tell you that I am a Christian."
And he said, "Well, if you want out of the car..."
I said, "Why?"
And he said, "Well, I'm gay and you're Christian."
I said, "It's still five miles and it's still dark."
Then he said, "I thought Christians hated gays."
I said, "That's funny. I thought Christians were supposed to love. I thought that was our first command."
He said, "Well, I thought God hated gays."
And I said, "That's really funny because I thought God was love."
And then he asked me the big one. He said, "Do you think I will go to hell for being gay?"
Well, I'm a good Hoosier, and I puckered up to say, "Yes, of course you'll go to hell for being gay." I got ready to say that, but when I opened my mouth it came out, "No, of course you won't go to hell for being gay." And I thought to myself, 'Oh my God, I've only been in New Hampshire for one week and I've already turned into a liberal! What am I going to tell this guy now?'
Then I said to him, "No, you won't go to hell for being gay, any more than I would go to hell for being a liar. Nobody goes to hell because of what they do. We go to hell because we reject the grace that God so longs to give to us, regardless of what we do."
(Stolen from "An Arrow Pointing to Heaven", transcribed from a concert given in KY in 1994)
MOAR HORROR: Let The Right One In
Hey, rest of the world - could you stop being so successful with your horror films? Because Hollywood is beginning to look like an incredible piece of steamy crap.
I just finished up the original novel "Let The Right One In" and am just beginning the movie adaptation from Sweden. The book has already ranked right up there with "Battle Royale" as my favorite fiction. The characters are rich and complex and the way the diverse groups are woven together is fantastic. I barrelled through the last 300 or so pages today in between laundry, physics and a migraine. Absolutely worth it.
A pause for grace:
I actually have a more substantial (RE: pompous and long-winded) post that I'm working on. In the meantime, though, I'm rereading Brennan Manning's "The Ragamuffin Gospel" and this line hit me hard in the breadbasket:
"When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games. Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer."
Not only is it comforting to find out I'm not alone, but it's a relief to hear such words and realize that God doesn't intend for "good" people to keep Him company in heaven. If He did, He'd be pretty lonely.
I can read
The Big Read thinks that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed. Well let's see.
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicise those you intend to read
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
Here we go!
1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy (ONE DAY!)
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen (I've seen the movie, does that count?)
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth (I read his second book, I should get half credit)
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck (I love Steinbeck but the three that I've read of his aren't on here)
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flauberti
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte's Web - EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
TOTAL READ: 23
TOTAL PLANNED: 20
I have entire shelf dedicated to classics that I'm working my way through. I'm on Anna Karenina right now and will start Rebecca as soon as that's finished.
So I'm above average but half of these I don't agree with. Bridget Jones' Diary? Really?
