In 2008, I:
Fell in love. Twice.
Got my heart broken. Twice.
Flew more between March and May than I have in the last five years.
Visited the east coast.
Moved out.
Moved back in.
Went back to school.
Successfully kept 30lbs off.
Went into crazy debt.
Got out of crazy debt (two days before the year ended).
Began modeling.
Found three new friendships that have changed my life.
On this, the last day of 2008, I can honestly say I'm a better person than I was a year ago. In the final six months I've grown more spiritually than the previous twenty-five years combined and the things that I've learned from those circumstances are momentous. I'm happy.
I'm not, however, fulfilled. Yet.
God and I are still hashing some issues out and for that I'm grateful. In all honesty, as tough as these twelve months have been, my faith has never been more stubborn than it was from April until today. God orchestrated events so that I would be able to withstand great amounts of shit and emerge (well, someday) not just in tact but stronger.
Perhaps one of the best and most important factors has been the people. I met two amazing people this year that challenged, changed and built me. Then, four months ago, I fostered a deep friendship with someone I've known for three years but never truly talked to. 2008 was life-changing because of them and I'd be very different if they hadn't come along.
These next few paragraphs are for you:
1. You kicked off this whole thing during the holidays of '07 and popped up in the most unlikely of ways. I'm incredibly honored to have been one of the few that's been allowed to get close to you and even though it culminated in an explosion of emotion, it was worth all the trouble. It brought me to an understanding of what love can and can not conquer - and at the same time taught me that there is something deeper and more meaningful than romantic love. Many months, a lot of pain and some serious perspective later, I'm incredibly content with where we're at. I care about you so much and couldn't be more proud to be your friend. You always were and always will be in my prayers.
2. More than anything else I can think of, you are the unshakable proof I have that God is here and He is not silent. To think, we met through a random blog exchange on a writing forum more than three years ago and kept loose tabs on each other based solely a shared interest in Christ and writing. How many times did I cut my f-list in that time? Did we even exchange two meaningful words prior to September? I had no reason to stay connected to you and should have shaved you from my LJ years ago for all the contact we had. I don't know why I didn't but I can honestly say that I never would have made it to '09 if I had.
I am strong(er) because of you. I believe because of you. I have faith because of you. We've watched each other make huge mistakes and we cheered each other on during the rare successes. You've listened to more tears and more rants and more anger and more petty tirades than you should have. You're not afraid to tell me when I'm being a coward and you never say something just because you think I want to hear it. In less than three months you've become the only person I can even fathom coming to when I need spiritual support. Of all those who've come before, none have known me quite so well as you do - not the details of my life, but the person God's made me and the struggles I have. I will never stop praising God for you and thanking Him for placing you in my life.
3. It shouldn't be hard to understand how and why you had such an effect on me. I've never let anyone know me the way I let you. No one's even come close. I didn't know I could love someone this deeply and this broadly; I still don't understand all of what it encompasses. I've never laughed harder than I did at a Wendy's Jr HJ or Krispy Kreme ejaculation. You are, hands down, one of the funniest men I've ever come in contact with and in my book, that's worth a lot. Stubborn and painfully, annoyingly honest, you've put more hurdles in my path than even you're aware of. You challenged me to pray, to "ass-rape" fear, to give up control, and to trust - both you and God. But more than anything else, you challenged me to step up and really love. The kind of love that asks one to be selfless, humble, honest, patient and unafraid. And it requires the ability to let go. "The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost." Everything that came before this past June was something that I could easily give up. I still don't know how to do it but I know why I have to. I would do anything for you and that includes let you go. The only regret I have is that I didn't let you know just how much you mean to me. I let my fear get the best of me for too long and when I finally stopped holding back it was too late. You deserved to know how much faith, trust and love I had (have) for you. I should have made it blatantly obvious but I didn't. I'm so sorry. I haven't handled a lot of things very well where you're concerned. I'm learning just how often I can fall and, at the same time, just how often God expects me to quit my bitching, pick myself back up and carry on.
God's used you to teach me so. damn. much. I don't think you'll ever know or understand how much your presence has affected me. I hate you for it sometimes but mostly, I'm just thankful.
And, of course, the journey my relationship with God has taken shaped me more than everything else combined. He's kicked me around, beaten me up and forced me to see the kind of person I have a tendency to be. I hide behind fear too often and it shows up as anger, conceit, superiority. It's given me the misguided belief that I can control my life and, in reality, all that's gotten me in the end is emptiness. It isn't worth it; not anymore.
"God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. The only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down."
I'm not going to live in fear this year and I'm not going to hold back. I've lost so much time because of it; I don't want to lose anymore.
Thank You, for knocking me down and breaking my heart. Again.
This time I'm going to let You rebuild it.
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