Spiritual fraud

God and I had a fight last night. I lost, much to my surprise.

For the past year my question has been "Why can't I give it up? How is that I continue to struggle with the illusion of control?" If know that A) God is ultimately the one in control and B) what He has in store is 900 gazillion times better than anything I could plan, why am I still so stubbornly refusing to acknowledge my own powerlessness?

I don't trust God. It's as simple as that. My faith, as it stands, is insufficient to sustain the "correct" actions that Christianity promotes. My humanity taints and dilutes the innocent trust that faith necessitates and my ability to follow the narrow path suffers as a consequence. For the past twenty-six years I've allowed my heart to gather and collect bitterness, cynicism and doubt from a sad little sense of self-entitlement. "Somehow, life owes me a crabmeat salad." And now the result is the stunted growth of a heart that desperately wants to chase the freedom of total abandon and trust yet doesn't even know how to try.

The truth is that I'm hopeless. I can't do anything right of my own volition because my present is colored by the heartbreak in my past. I've allowed negativity to creep up and extinguish every flame that even threatens to burn. I am so utterly alone on an island I built, stocked and swam to. I can not manage to give up because a part of my brain questions whether anyone or anything will truly be there to catch me. It all falls on my shoulders. And I can't sustain it. I'm not meant to.

"The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."

"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.""

Faith isn't even sustainable apart from Him. My eyes are from this world and they are blinded by everything they've seen. Where my human strength causes me to fall short of my lofty goals Christ meets me. Once again, I am saved.