To say thanks

Acknowledging my lack of pure faith has opened a door to a kind of humble thankfulness that I didn't know was missing before. To realize that apart from God, even something as simple as faith isn't truly possible has taken my defeated thoughts and added hope - and I haven't seen that around these parts in a very long time.

For awhile I've believed (without really knowing it) that Christianity replaced my humanity and made it easier to handle the oh-so-common struggles that pester everyone. When life got difficult, I muddled through without really attempting to alleviate my burden onto Him other than the occasional shouting match or sob-fest. And maybe my so-called strength was enough to pull me through in the past but once it cut a bit too close to the heart I hit a wall. All the methods I'd used before not only weren't working to get me through but were plunging the knife deeper with each attempt. I kept pushing and pushing... and the wound grew. It never occured to me that the problem was as much my approach as the actual problem. I was all talk when it came to trusting God but when the rubber met the road and I was called to live up to all I said, I couldn't. I still can't. My struggles seem so simple and the solution is so clear but my humanness holds me back.

But now I see it. I no longer believe I'm filled with an unshakeable, 100% rock-solid trust. I know that even though I want to be all faithful, all the time, I'm not. I've relied on my own pitiful strength because I didn't think the faith I did have would be enough. Or, rather, I didn't think God would make up the difference when my faith fell short.

Pain is not evidence that I'm going the wrong way; it's nothing more than a consequence of life. And faith isn't the anaesthetic that numbs the ache - it's the hope that comes from knowing that there is more on the other side. Trusting God won't make the mountains fall but it will give me the stamina to climb every last one in my path.

What I thought was faith wasn't and that realization has pushed me back to Start. I've been left empty-handed and all the things that I thought made me "better" have been stripped from my grasp. I'm standing - naked, useless, and humiliated - with all that I prided myself on around my ankles. It's all nothing more than bullshit and it doesn't mean anything, not to Him. I literally have nothing to give that He needs. But I have something He wants.

"There. Now THIS I can work with."