I wish I had a good excuse for why, exactly, I've neglected this. Not that I'm offering up any particularly interesting or eye-opening wisdom but my intention when starting a blog was to practice writing for other people. With the knowledge that it's going to be public domain, I tend to spend a little more time and effort on a piece. And if I want someone to one day pay me for my little drabbles, I'm going to need as much of a workout as I can get.
After years of dicking around with my parents' (and my) money, I started at ASU this spring with a major in Linguistics and a minor in Japanese. It's been a bumpy beginning but it's given me some kind of a goal to work towards that I previously didn't have and I, consequently, don't feel nearly as restless. There's still a skepticism in regards to how well-suited I am for school but I don't have the emotional security to be a gypsy/ vagabond/ wandering minstrel/ hobo, so I'm testing the waters in case I'm wrong and wind up loving academia.
I'm exactly where I thought I'd be two and a half years ago. My original plan was to get my Bachelors in English, wow everyone with my oratorical prowess and wit, apply to the JET program and then spend a couple years as a teacher in Japan. Then six months later I fell in love with a man who lives 2500 miles away in Norwalk, Ct, and promptly buckled all those plans into the backseat. We had big plans to move me over there after the summer and I was all packed and ready to go when, as big plans often have a tendency to do, it fell apart.
A year and a half saw me fighting with myself and him and God over where I fit in, if anywhere. As much as I look forward to becoming fluent (hopefully?) and living in Japan for awhile, I've not made it a secret that it's all a far second place when it comes to falling in love. Not settling down or starting a family, just falling in love and nothing else. I think I'm done trying to pretend like my insides aren't as mushy as baby food.
That whole, "I don't know what God's thinking" thing is annoyingly true. And not in the, "in the back of my mind I'm pretty sure I've got You pegged" kind of way. No, it's the reluctant, grudging "well, damn, I'm all out of ideas" acceptance that I'm not used to. At ALL. And, alarmingly, I haven't a clue how to live my life without serious, long-term planning. This "day by day" crap feels unnatural to me, even though I'm pretty sure it's quite the opposite.
So, no idea what's going on. I won't lie and say I'm not kinda enjoying it but I wonder if and when the novelty will wear off. Or when I'll realize I'm just kidding myself AGAIN and I still haven't "let go and let God".
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1 comments:
i recently wrote a pretty personal post. your sentence "with the knowledge that it's going to be public domain" was something i thought about for a long time before posting it. anyone can find that entry. my boss. my ex-boyfriend. the high school kids i teach. i'm 90% sure that only you and matt occasionally frequent my site, but i still censor myself a bit.
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