Knowing he feels so awful makes me feel awful.
Not being able to do anything is driving me insane. Just sitting here, hundreds of miles away, thinking about him being miserable is so distracting. I can't concentrate on anything.
Is that pathetic?
I never realized I could be so wrapped up in another human being. He tells me all the time that he's not happy unless I'm happy and I've always agreed. But this is the first time it's been for an extended period.
It's also the first time I haven't been able to actively make him feel better. I feel oddly helpless and out of control, which I am so not used to.
This is love, I guess. Not one of the fun parts, but definitely love.
Showing posts with label drew. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drew. Show all posts
Not liking this
Until Monday
I dislike going this long without really talking to him.
No one's fault. Certainly not his - he didn't choose to get sick and he can't help his work schedule.
It's hard enough being on the other side of the country but it's even worse when you can't connect.
I just miss him.
Still glad he's feeling better, though, and I hope he gets a chance to rest while gone - God, he needs that more than anything.
... but yeah. I miss him.
What a fun weekend
One of the most interesting things about God is how unpredictable He is.
After such an incredible weekend together just seven days ago, this past one was kinda terrible.
Things started out bad and then just got worse. I always wish I wasn't on the other side of the country, but I can't help but think it would have been extremely nice to have been just a short car ride away from him for a number of reason on Saturday and Sunday.
Visit numero dos
It baffles me as to why I find it so difficult to put into words the more amazing things in my life.
I take pride in my writing ability and yet all I can come up with to describe my weekend in Connecticut with Drew is "EFFING AMAZING!" and then I'm disappointed in myself because not only is it lacking in my normal eloquence and class, but it really pales in comparison to all I experienced.
We didn't do anything. No sightseeing or touristy crap other than a little bit of NYC on Monday before I flew out of JFK and some of Greenwich - it was just us. So when people ask how the trip was and what I did... it's hard to answer. Because it was (without an ounce of insincerity or exaggeration) the best weekend of my life but there wasn't much accomplished other than... Drew. And I relished every moment. We had a couple of really good dinners (one marred by some unnecessary drama, but oh well), watched a movie, cuddled a lot, laughed even more and kissed even more than that. I was ready to stay forever.
But then again, that's the plan. :)
He'll be back in AZ the end of May and I'll go to Cleveland to meet his family sometime during the summer. He goes to Italy for work in June and I don't know what I'm going to do with myself if I can't text or talk to him every half hour.
Perhaps the best way to put it is to say that this is absolutely unlike anything I've ever felt before. This is worth holding onto - with both hands.
Dos
One visit less than a week behind us and we've got the second one set.
I fly out after work next Friday and arrive sometime around 9:30pm CT time.
There's way too much to do between now and then. It shortens my birthday-gift-planning-and-getting time by a week! In order to save on postage I'm going to take it with me rather than mail it but that means it's gotta be done by the 2nd rather than the 9th.
Tentative plans are already set for his second, third and fourth visits to AZ - end of May, beginning of June and then the beginning of July.
I'm petrified of the flight - really and truly. I've never flown for that long in my life so I'm already looking into my options (READ: drugs). But I'm excited for about a bazillion different things on the other end:
1. I get to hear him play. Live. Not over my voicemail (although come on, is that not the most romantic thing you can possibly imagine in the 21st century?) and not over my iPod. This alone would make the knuckle-whitening, nail-biting, pants-wetting flight worth it.
2. Seeing his home. I dunno - this just makes me happy.
3. Meeting people in his life. (He got along far too well with Amy and Stef...)
4. Spending another 60+ straight, uninterrupted hours with him. Yeah, I'd pretty much go to the moon for that.
...I can't believe I'm going to admit this out loud (...on screen?) but Amy and I were talking about weddings a couple nights ago and she pulled up "her" dress. So today at work I actually got on The Knot and looked at dresses for the first time in.... ever. Well, at least the first time where it ever meant anything.
...if that doesn't jinx this, nothing will.
(this blog is turning into my sappy love chronicles... oy.)
Visit Numero Uno
I feel the need not to gush - partly because I don't really know the words - but also because it's so soon and I realize how it sounds to anyone on the outside. But this past weekend with Drew was just... so incredible.
I've never met anyone that I have this much fun with on every single level. It's weird and almost completely terrifying. I think with Jeremy I was comforted by the fact that we had some flaws - so many disconnects. It's almost uneasy to be with someone you fit together with perfectly. At least for me.
There's this constant need to be touching him - not sexually or inappropriately. Just being close. Holding hands in the car, touching arms under the table, calling me out of my room just to hug me... he's insanely and unreasonably cute.
Most of the time we spent runs together in one crazy clump - the only real activities we planned were a nice dinner at the Royal Palms' T. Cooks restaurant, pictures with Amy and church. Almost all three days were just random hours of undivided attention. I'd say, though, that we split our time equally between laughing and kissing. It was beyond wonderful.
My friend Amy is a photog and because I wanted something tangible, she offered to take pictures.
We're pretty nauseating. You have been warned.
It's go time people
24 hours.
Longest 24 hours of my life.
Huff! Get here already, 11pm tomorrow night!
Oh, the things we do
I've been having a bad day.
When one of us is going through something rough, The Boy and I always give the offer of "What can I do?" followed by "No, seriously - be selfish for once" and then usually "Just let me do something, damnit!" We're getting better, though, at asking for things that we know the other person can easily and willingly give.
So I told him I wanted pictures.
Of his pedicure.
Because while I'm at work, he's getting his first pedicure. I'd be jealous if this wasn't how the texting went:
"It hurts!"
Me: "But think of how pretty you'll look!"
"Holy crap! it kills!"
Me: "Beauty is pain, dearling."
"Hahaha... i love you, but this sucks"
I haven't heard anything after that. I think he probably passed out.
New relationships aren't easy
Nothing else is capable of making sure you understand yourself, though, quite like the view from someone else's eyes, especially when it happens to matter a great deal what that someone thinks of you. You start to realize that your shortcomings might not be so easily overlooked and your quirks might not be quite so endearing. I wish I was a faster learner; I wish the first month didn't have to be marked with a lot of pain and miscommunication. This is where the rubber meets the road, folks.
At the same time, there is nothing quite like coming home to this:
There's never been a time in my life when I've been good at telling how I feel.
More often than not it's because I'm a friggin' pussy, too afraid of putting myself out there.
Then sometimes I think it's also because I honestly don't know what to say and everything I could possibly come up with falls short.
Yeah, I'm scared. But this is also one of those times when I'm not sure my vocabulary is wide enough to come up with the words my heart would require.
I love you, baby.
what we'll tell our grandchildren
I love romantic stories.
I love ones that involve me even more.
This is the most romantic one of all....
It all evolved over my vacation in various wonderful, nauseating, stomach-turning ways. In Burbank I got a voicemail that he left where he played the song he wrote for me (because my boy be talented. *swoon*) and my response went something like this (after listening to it about 5 times) :
Me: Oh, baby, that was-
*bee lands on ass while I'm sunning myself at the pool*
Bee: STING. *stings*
Me: SON OF A BITCH!
Drew: What?
Me: A bee stung my bottom and now my bottom's big!
/Simpsons
I wish I was kidding about how that went, but right in the middle of my trying to tell him how amazing he was and how incredible he made me feel, a bee literally landed on the sunny side up of my butt and stung me on the right cheek.
And no, Amy, I don't think it's a sign.
A few minutes later I was laying back on the chaise with an ice-pack sliding down my posterior, and had resumed my attempts at barfing my feelings (that's literally what it's like for me - ask any of my exes).
*sigh* Oh, young love...
Now that it's official
I feel less objectionable to posting about it.
I'm no longer single.
This year I've dated more than I had in the past 6 years put together; more drama, more angst, more love, more kisses, more heartache... I wouldn't blame anyone who thought this was just another episode in my revolting soap-opera ("as the stomach turns").
I'm not going to make a huge deal out of it - for a number of reasons I won't talk about here. If you're privy to my IRL friendship (hur hur! netspeak!), you'll get (or have gotten already) an earful and are likely nauseated.
But I felt the need to actually say something here since this blog sucks up chunks of my day/life/soul. I found someone who, in the midst of something really depressing and confusing, gave me something else - something I don't think I've ever had before. This has been a simultaneous rollercoaster ride and a steady, sturdy walk. He's been so patient and so understanding and so strong for me... falling wasn't even a possibility. It was an inevitability.
...and it doesn't hurt that he's intelligent and funny and effin' adorable, too.
So... yeah. That's all I'm going to say. I'm happy.
