Life, to me, feels like one big ocean. One day we’re tossed in, alone for the most part, and expected to keep our head above water – yet no one has clear instructions how to do so. Our parents are supposed to teach us the basics but when your mother is a Meth addict, who’s barely treading water herself, you learn to grab a hold of anything that’ll keep you afloat.
Without my mother available to guide my strokes, I was left to my father and two brothers. Before long I began looking for the intimacy my heart was starved of in the arms (and bodies) of others. In them I’d hoped I’d find a life-preserver I could cling to when the ocean’s waves got too turbulent but every single time I’d grab hold of someone new I found they, too, were unstable and sinking just as fast.
After three years of struggling just to breathe, I moved from Montana to Arizona at the invitation of my older brother. It was here that I heard about the God who’d been searching for me and for the first time I broke the surface. I accepted Christ as life-saver and it was then that my ocean’s waves stopped being merely choppy and became a merciless hurricane.
Winter found me pregnant as the gale-force winds of the storm battled against the love of my Savior. I wrestled the tide alone but after eighteen years I couldn't hold myself above water any longer. On December 24th, 2005, I had an abortion.
Three years passed as I let myself drown and each swell in the current hurled me farther and farther away from security. Another pregnancy, a miscarriage, a suicide attempt by overdose, two STD's from different guys... each pull of the tide was relentless in its violence. I thought that in giving in I would find peace but the desire to live was too strong even amidst such a beating. With each breath I deprived myself of the cry from my soul grew louder. Trying to keep my own head above the surface had proved futile yet I discovered that succumbing to the ebb and flow of the sea was far more painful than fighting it. I was dying for Life but began to realize I wasn’t capable of sustaining it if all I had to rely on was my own strength.
It was then I remembered the life-preserver I’d accepted – and then ignored – all those years ago. I’d been struggling to fill myself; to satisfy myself; to save myself. But it was never enough. Through it all, though, salvation was calling; over the roar of the wind and the crashing of the waves, it asked why I was turning from the only One who could rescue me. This time when I surrendered, it wasn’t to myself and it wasn’t to the deep – it was to my Savior.
As my heart has healed, it's grown. I've found a passion for the God that loves me recklessly blossoming more and more each day and I've decided that Christ didn’t kinda die for me, so I wasn’t going to kinda live for Him. He gave me everything and I want to give it all back.
I know what it’s like to drown in the ocean of life. And now I know what it’s like to breathe.
(This is the true story of a friend, written for Central Christian Church and it's with her permission that I post it here. Stories like hers should be shouted from the rooftops. Our God truly is incredible.)
Freddie
Christmas cards, bbs?
I'm planning on sending out Christmas cards this year so if any of you BAMF's would like one - no matter who you are - comment with your full name and address and prepare for a mind-blowing artistic experience in stationary, images and ink.
(Comments will be screened for privacy)
Pointless entry is pointless (but with pictures!)
Fun night out at Devil's Martini with Tori. We didn't throw down until 11:30pm but we all know that life doesn't get interesting until the cover charge is in effect.
I had serious issues with the camera. I swear, in every picture we took together I looked like this.
SEE?!
Sometimes...
... You amaze me, God.
Leah, a local magazine rep, comes to call on our director of conference services every few weeks or so. Back in July she dropped by when I happened to have my big-ass Bible sitting out during lunch and she asked, suddenly excited, what I was studying. While we waited for the director, Cass, to show up, we chatted a bit about our faith and where we attended church, etc. At the time she was on day 11(!!!) of a fast and I promised to pray - she said the Holy Spirit was still attempting to teach her something and she wasn't going to stop until she knew (and grasped) what it was. Ever since then, I've looked forward to her brief visits and the moments where we, still relative strangers, share candidly about where we are in our walk.
She crossed my mind this morning and I wondered, fleetingly, when she'd be back. Part of me thinks I shouldn't be surprised she showed up a few hours later but it still put a shocked smile on my face. When I asked how she was doing, she said she was on another fast (day 7, so far) and then opened up quietly about the things she was struggling with which, coincidentally (...or not, because God was surely at the helm), were alarmingly similar to my own current issues.
Cass arrived then and they discussed marketing events while I resumed work. A few minutes later they said their good-byes and Leah turned to leave, saying she'd be praying; I promised to do the same.
Just as she was about to step out the door though, she back-tracked, reached for my hand and asked if we could lift it up right then. And with all of my co-workers oblivious to the unplanned restoration taking place, we prayed.
I don't know if this is common among other faiths but I am so grateful for the unspoken connection that bonds the body of Christ. Sustenance and grace turn up in the most unexpected places because of it.
I'm a crappy photographer
None of the pictures I took last night look great. I'm posting them anyway, but better ones will come from Tori & Amy's cameras. 
This WAS my tiramisu...
Mel & I
That woman in pink certainly enjoyed herself.
More pictures are at my Picasa account. As soon as everyone else uploads their's, I'll add more.
I look super foxy today
I haven't done much shopping the past four or five months because of the money situation, but with the cash that my parents forked over for my aforementioned birfday, a $120 dress recently came into my possession for a mere $22. It's poop-brown, adorable and I'm wearing it now. Spending disgusting gobs of cash on a piece of fabric is for suckers; you do not go shopping with me unless you mean it.
In addition I finally bought a pair of jeans that genuinely fit me (...at least I hope). The last two I purchased are great as soon as I get them from the dryer... then they expand. The crotch hangs halfway down to my knees, the butt sags and I look just generally dumpy. I've been stubborn, refusing to go down a size simply on principle. I swallowed my tongue when I bought a dress from the Limited that was a size 0; Target's current smallest size (2) is too big for my waste... but I absolutely can not swallow the idea that I fit into a size 1 jean. It's just not possible.
I could name you at least half a dozen other girls (my age) that have smaller hips, tinier butts and thinner arms... so if I have this much trouble, where in God's name do they shop? Yeah, I've lost 30 pounds and I'm a heckuva lot lighter than I was this time last year but I am not a stick. I promise you, I can still grab a nice handful of fat on my thighs.
Still, I'm running out of clothes that fit (well) and getting sick of feeling frumpy and dowdy in the ones that don't. So I broke down and bought a pair of low-rise, stretch skinny jeans... in a size 1*.
And in "News Less Likely To Cause Hissy Fits," I have 13 people confirmed for tonight and three more waiting in queue. I've always been atrocious at organizing group get-togethers, so the fact that this one seems to be going alright excites me greatly.
I'm all a-tingle. But that could be the migraine medication.
* - and I SWEAR that if anyone leaves a comment whining about how they don't want to hear the "skinny bitch" complain, I will punch SOMEONE in the throat.
Birfday Sellabrashun!
I'm ridiculously excited that so many people are going to make it to mah shindig! We have a party of 14 at Bobby's, my favorite restaurant. Afterwards several of us will be going to Devil's Martini for a little unyen shakin'.
I have new jeans to wear and another year under my belt to celebrate.
Photographic evidence of the debauchery to follow soon.
Cram it in
I've spent the past few weekends like a bum. Mostly I did laundry, sat by the pool and finished several books. I did manage to see some people when I wasn't lazing around on my ass. But it's like everyone is converging on me in the next three days and planning... things.
I'm having coffee tonight with Mark, who sings worship at Central and then Jeremy's coming by later (and I'm FINALLY getting my necklace back...) and if I have time, I'll stop by Heather & David's farewell in Old Town; tomorrow I'm going to Big Bang with Matt (...and starting my laundry); Saturday I'm shopping with the co., church at 4:30 and then dancing my pants off with Mel; Sunday I've got church, lunch with fam, laundry and yet more church for TWLOHA at 3F.
OMG, stop giving me a social life ppl!
To the congregants
So, I have some pretty effing amazing friends and they've shown themselves to be made of friggin' gold these past few months. My appreciation, respect and humble gratitude know no bounds right now; no words could ever accurately express the depths of my affection. It's disgusting.
I don't tell you - any of you - often enough how much I love you and what you bring to my life.
So here goes!
Amy: You are, without a doubt, the one person who knows everything that goes on in my life almost as soon as it happens (or as soon as I can type it out into AIM). You've never judged me but you've also never been afraid to smack me upside the head and tell me when I'm being an idiot. We have more inside jokes than the rest of my friends combined. You share my passion for Christ-like love above "churchiness". If I were gay, I'd tap that.
Stef: Whenever I think about the kind of relationship I want to have with my husband, you and Bryan are the first couple I think of. We're both incredibly immature but you manage to have a very wise outlook in your all of your relationships. There's no one else I'd rather discuss books with.
Kat: It's so tempting to write something bitchy and sarcastic about you here because you'll follow and add to it no matter how ridiculous it gets. Our friendship has seen more trials than any other in my life and I will always praise God that we didn't give up. I cling to and cherish our relationship all the more because of how hard we fought to keep it. I can't imagine letting go of you for any reason other than death; and even that's only temporary.
Drew: No one has ever challenged me the way you did and continue to do. I learned to take risks with my heart; I learned that "stepping outside my comfort zone" doesn't always equate to being "uncomfortable"; I learned I can survive a 6-hour plane ride if what awaits me at the end is worth it (and if I have plenty of drugs). You told me, months ago, that I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. Well, because of you I now believe it. :)
Tori: How the hell did our friendship survive high school?! I can't believe how much you've changed and grown. I remember thinking we'd never grow up; mature as adults. You proved me wrong. I'm so proud of you.
Caroline: Our friendship is such a pleasant surprise to me, even now, 3 years later. I hardly talked to you when I was with Jeff and yet you're the only one I keep in touch with. I - without fail - always wind up in tears of hysterical laughter whenever we get together. That means more to me than I can express.
Ashley: Watching you come to Christ remains one of the most humbling and inspiring moments in my life. I can remember being envious of your seemingly unflappable confidence and your incredible intelligence when we first met. That I could admire you even more today still blows me away. Hearing about you faithfully following your dreams gives me hope.
Heather: We have such an unlikely (but contemporary!) story as our foundation. I just went back and read your emails from a couple years ago and the faith that shines from your words strikes me still today. I don't think I've appreciated your friendship as much as I should; I wish I'd realized that sooner. I'll miss you but I'm excited for you and David.
Liz: I can't think of anyone else in the world that I love as unconditionally as I do you. For one so young, you're so. effing. STRONG. When I feel weak enough to break, I think of you and realize that God made us of more durable stuff than I ever knew.
Melanie: Has it really only been since January that we've known each other? You - like Liz - blow me away with your maturity. Listening to you explain your devotion and passion for Christ makes my heart soar. I wish I had been as open to Him at your age; heck, I wish I was as open to Him now! Did you know you've been an answer to pray more than once?
Steve: It's been 8 years and still we've yet to really have a serious conversation. I feel priveleged to have been able to watch your faith blossom even from a distance. Our random conversations at work always make me smile. Your NBA team cheats.
Mel: Adorable, adorable, ADORABLE. Always positive, no matter what. I watched you during some really hard times in the past few years and to see the amazing, independent, strong and yet still compassionate woman you've become makes my heart swell. I am so happy for you.
Jeff: Being able to call you "my friend" makes me indescribably happy. You are the biggest goofball I've ever encountered but you hide an incredible depth and intelligence that a lot of people will (sadly) miss. I read your blogs and you blow me away... you were never that eloquent when we were together! Smart and thoughtful, yes - always. But you've honed a very beautiful skill in expressing yourself so honestly. I'm jealous.
Megs: Somehow, we always manage to be going through frighteningly similar situations in life. I'm grateful to have an ear and a heart that understands what I'm going through, sometimes all too well. Your romantic soul speaks in ways and about things that I thought I was alone in. Seeing you giddy makes me giddy.
... I'm sure there are more. But these are the ones that have been around consistently, time after time. Thank you all for putting up with me all these years. I'm undeserving of your presence in my life and each one of you is irrefutable evidence that God is real and He is good.
I love you.
(Tomorrow I'll be obnoxious again, guys. I promise.)
OCD ego-stroking
I added the handy Feedjit widget (located at the bottom right corner of this page) about a month and a half ago. It's a cute idea.
But now I'm obsessed with the unknown identities of some of my recurring blog patrons. All it tells you is their location (and sometimes that's off by quite a bit) and how they arrived at the site - no real "personal" information, like an IP.
Sometimes I can tell right off who it is by their origin and location (Stef, I know right away who you are and when you visit, which is helpful for future stalking); but there are half a dozen or so that I can't figure out.
Northbrook, IL? Carpentersville, IL? Las Vegas? Manchester, CT? Airdrie, Alberta?
None of these are anywhere near anyone I can think of, but they come regularly and use a direct link. So either I've picked up some unknown admirers (maybe in a prison somewhere) or their location is seriously off.
... don't feel obligated to tell me who you are. It's kinda flattering to think that there are strangers out there who think my life is interesting enough to check-up on; no need to ruin my illusion...
You're laughing, don't deny it
Matt: Yo yo yo yo yo yo
Me: Whaaaaaaaat's up?
Matt: shootin some bball outside of the school.
Me: Let me guess - a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble?
Matt: Yeah, we got in a fight. :(
Me: I'm sure your mom was mad.
Matt: she made me move with my aunt and uncle in bel-air. :(
Me: You take a cab?
Matt: yeah, it was crazy. it had dice hanging from the rear-view mirror.
We watched too much TV.
Not a longboarder
I don't think I'll ever be mistaken as a "skater" (...I'm not even sure if that term is even still used. OMG, I'm old.)
Matt attempted to teach me how to longboard last night. Aside from being ridiculously hot (even though the sun was setting) and embarrassing (I fell on my ass pretty early on), it actually wasn't unenjoyable. Once I got the hang of it, it was fun.
I, however, still have the most hyperactive sweat glands this side of the Mississip'. Longboarding isn't that active (compared to, say, the 1200 meter dash or bailing hay) but I still got drenched being out in the setting sun. I'm so glad I took a shower BEFORE hand. It I was disgusting.
After that we watched "The Prestige," along with one of his roommates, Joe. I knew there was a pretty big twist at the end but I had managed to remain unspoiled. It was... not what I was expecting. Good, but definitely weirder than I had anticipated.
Matt & co. have what is probably the sweetest home theater set-up possible without shelling out the cash to actually build one. They have a ceiling-mounted projection system hooked up in their entryroom and then they put up an 120" screen. But that's not all - they built a large "step" to hold two futons, giving them stadium seating. Add some awesome surround sound and it's quite possibly every twenty-something bachelor's wet dream.
It made me think of Steve/Jeff/Eric's setup all those years ago and the Sunday nights we used to spend holed up in their back room watching Momento or Finding Nemo. It's mind-boggling to think how many are now married and the bachelor pad is no more. In all honesty, those were some of the funnest times in my life. Barbequing after church, the home-made fire pit, that stray puppy, "Tangerine Speedo", editing movies until really late at night...
I don't talk to them much anymore (with the exception of a few). I can't say it makes me particularly sad to realize that we've all moved on in our own ways; perhaps because it wasn't fueled by anger, just a simple fact of life. I'm not the same person I was back then and I'm sure none of them are either.
Odd that the people I should have no reason to be connected to are the ones I am closest to nowadays. I don't think I ever said more than a few sentences to Chris & Caroline but now she and I go shopping and to dinner every few months. Joel was just a buddy to trade jokes with and now we chat all the time over AIM during work. And Jeff... well, I didn't know I could be actual friends with an ex.
No real reason for the trip down memory lane. Hope you all didn't mind the detour.
It's been awhile
I actually got burned today. Just on my face though, so I'm not worried. It looks kinda... cute actually. Well, as much as cancer-causing sunburns can be "cute". I wouldn't actively pursue this look but it's better than, say, cystic acne.
The rest of me is becoming a toasty, golden brown.
It was a chilly 96 degrees in AZ, thanks to the monsoon season. Almost twenty degrees cooler than it was last time I swam so I was able to stay out longer.
I do so enjoy the summer, being half-naked and tan.
Was supposed to go out with Amy and Stef, but those plans fell through thanks to Amy's body. Wound up chilling with Tori instead which was just as wonderful. Every time I spend time with her it blows me away how much we've both changed and how, yet, we've still stayed close. Some people I can't possibly imagine saying goodbye to. I imagine she's one of those friends that will slip away for months or years at a time only to reappear out of nowhere, totally unexpected. And then we'll pick right back up where we left off...
I can't look at her without thinking of junior high and Stephanie Lawrence... trolling Superstition Springs mall on Friday nights, following random boys into Spencer's, getting picked up by Tori's mom in the Volvo. Everything revolved around those two girls; not even boys came before them. I hated junior high but I loved the time I spent with Tori and Stephanie. I was awkward and uncomfortable at that age but those two became my safe haven. Unconditional acceptance.
There is no desire in me to return to that stage in life but a lot of times I wish I could have that friendship back. It was so easy and consisted of nothing other than make-up, boys, clothes... and boys. We were too young to date but old enough to obey our hormones.
Life was simple; I miss that. Tori and I talk about her 17-month old baby boy and medical insurance and traffic on the 101 now.
Things have really changed, haven't they?
God, when did I become an adult?
Weekend with the girls
I spent most of the past few days fully occupied. It's been a nice change of pace. Last semester I was all over the place with church, school, work, Lindsay Project and Jeremy and so far the past few months have been relatively calm. I miss the hustle and bustle.
Kinda can't believe I just used "hustle and bustle".
Went out with Erin and her friend Rebecca on Friday to Barcelona. It's been months since I dolled up and it felt good; not so good was the eye-balling and man-handling the at went on with the male patrons. We didn't dance but we did some good talking and I left early, feeling pretty good.
Then I covered for Kristin at work yesterday morning and spent the rest of the day with Stef, Amy, Megs and Nikki which, really, couldn't have been more fun. We hung out at Stef and Brian's apartment for the beginning and played "Pit" after we chased Brian out. Stef and Megs made odango and rice pudding that we snacked on before taking in a (very) late dinner at RA.
It was cathartic to be amongst people I really genuinely enjoy the company of. I must make it a point to do it more often.
